Today was a big day for me. I untoqued / unwigged my shorn head. That’s right – I went commando. In public. And I survived it. And people were not staring at me. I got one sympathetic / helpful gesture, but that was ok. It was all ok. Hospital, Canadian Tire, Health Food store, Grocery Store. My shorn head went on tour.
It’s interesting to me that the side effect from the chemo that causes me NO physical discomfort (compared to the various other inhumanities) is the one that causes the most psychological discomfort. In my mind it is no big deal to lose my hair. I can rationalize it. “It’s only hair!” “It will grow back!” Ya, WHATEVER, losing your hair SUCKS. There is a LOT of your sense of style in your hair. A lot of vanity. Hair is important in our culture. You can’t deny it. Otherwise, why would we pay to have it coloured and trimmed every 6 – 8 weeks? We LOVE our hair, and when it falls out, it is WEIRD. It is not the norm for women. And everyone knows it. So it’s very easy to feel insecure about having a shaved head.
Last summer my hair was pretty long for me … and I liked being able to wear it up, let it go a bit curly, or braid it. It was lots of fun, actually. When I found out that I would lose it, I opted to cut it short … so that it would be less painful when it all fell out. I still think that was a good move.
I had my head shaved last week, on week 9 of chemo. (My hair actually lasted a LONG time!) I had it shaved since it was looking a bit Donald Trumpish. It really did look pretty horrible – my scalp was very visible and the remaining hair was wispy and elfin. I could stand it up and look like a troll. (kind of fun…) And my wigs would just float around on top of my head. (very irritating) So I went with the kids to Jenny’s shop in Lakefield and we all had haircuts.
Jenny took it down to 1/4″ … and wrote a message in the back for me. (I don’t have a photo of that just yet. I’m behind in the photography dept since I feel a wee bit crappy at this stage in the game …)
There’s not a not of hair there, and it’s still falling out – so it’s not exactly a buzz cut … more like a fuzz cut. In my mind it’s what a baby eagle looks like, but I really don’t know. It’s just a vision that’s more appealing than the Donald’s head.
So ya, I have a shorn head. It feels pretty nice – kinda like having no breasts. Convenient. Just not very normal. Not very feminine.
WHATEVER!!
I plan to show my shorn head with pride, whenever I feel like it. And I’ll wear my wigs whenever I feel like that. I just need to practice not giving a shit.
