Category: stress

Making it Work > stress

Twice Sanded

Posted on June 20, 2018 by pioneerintrees

Today as I continue to inch closer to cardiac rehab at an alarmingly slow pace, I got to participate in a stress test. As the technician was sanding my chest ELEVEN times for ELEVEN electrodes, I thought OK THIS IS DEF A BLOG POST. But before I get to the test, let me tell you about the destination. Cardiac Rehab. I am ALMOST in rehab. Almost.

Why Cardiac Rehab?

Once you’ve had some kind of heart attack (stemi, non-stemi, total, partial, added stent, surgery, some drugs, lots of drugs… so many choices…), and it’s been repaired, you still feel a bit, shall we say, scared shitless to do anything. When I was released from hospital after my SCAD heart attack two months ago I was told not to lift anything over 30 lb, not to do any vigorous exercise other than walking and yoga. Pay attention. “YOU KNOW THE SIGNS NOW”, said the nurse with a meaningful look. Ya, ok… sure thing. Yes I do. No showers. Call 911.

So now, when faced with various and sundry activities such dancing like no one’s watching at a wedding, or swimming in cold water at the lake, you tend to second guess yourself. Your brain has this conversation:

I’m so freaking hot – I’ll just jump in the lake and swim to the raft. (Dip the toe.) Holy Christ, the water is freaking cold! Hmm. What if it’s such a shock to the body that I have a heart attack?

YOU’RE NOT GOING TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK!!

How do you know? I might.

IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN.

How do you know? It might.

YOU ARE A TOTAL WUS.

Seriously, we are in the middle of nowhere. If I have a heart attack it’s going to be a serious pain in the ass. Maybe I’ll just put my feet in.

FOR CHRIST’S SAKE. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? WALK DOWN THE LADDER GRADUALLY.

I never do that! That’s def for a wus. I jump in or forget it.

OH. MY. GOD.

So ya, in my opinion, cardiac rehab is going to allow me, the boobless wonder with the questionable heart, to exercise AT THE HOSPITAL and build confidence. That’s basically why I signed up. Let me exercise with a stretcher in the same room. Thanks very much.

What is Cardiac Rehab??

Yes yes, it’s seems a bit obvious – rehabilitation for your heart. True. But what IS it? Apparently it’s not just working out in the same room as someone who can operate a defibrillator. Nope. Nope it’s not.

Side note: I was given the choice of doing Cardiac Rehab at the hospital or at the Wellness Centre. I mean really?? What heart attack survivor wants to exercise away from the hospital? I know I know. I have a long way to go.

*It’s a destination. Not just a process. Who knew?*

Before you can start Cardia Rehab, you get tested tested tested and fill in questionnaires and have interviews. And THEN you are expected to exercise in a variety of ways (kinda like I was going to do BEFORE the heart attack). AND you are expected to eat better (I figure that this healthy eating thing is just for the atherosclerosis people, you know, the ones with crap in their arteries- mine are just falling apart – totally different. I say this as I sip on some Kim Crawford Sauvignon Blanc. Hey, I was sanded today, I deserve it!). Anyhow, you meet all of those expectations and eventually you are strong and HEALED!

Side note: I’m so thankful I don’t have atherosclerosis because it’s a bitch to say. I can never seem to pull it off in a conversation with the nurses.

Last week I went for my first appointment at Cardiac Rehab – had the tour and met with a nurse (?) therapist (?) who was very friendly and laughed at all of my jokes. I liked her obviously. I had to fill out a massive questionnaire about my eating habits – indicating on a sliding scale things like # of portions and healthiness for each food category. For example: light and healthy oils for cooking on the left, margarine in the middle, butter butter butter on the right. I knew I should be circling shit on the left, but it was almost always on the far right. Oh well. Good to have a crappy baseline. Easy to improve.

Once she knew everything about my health and diet and what I’ve been doing since my heart attack (nothing), she told me about all of the classes that I can sign up for. They’ll teach me about the heart. And heart attacks. What to do. That kind of thing. As I was thinking lots of things in my head that weren’t very positive and likely on the arrogant side (but keeping my face interested), she told me that there was a class about to start that I might be interested in some day. She swept the curtain back with a flourish, and there, seated in a semi circle attached to various oxygen machines or mobility devices were my comrades. It was so hilarious. I mean. OMG. I was just so funny. Anyway.

Then I was told that I couldn’t start till I had a stress test. Wait for the call. Okie dokie! Outta there.

What is a Stress Test?

Ahh well, it is actually a bit stressful. I went to Cardiac Rehab on time but by mistake, then had to rush to the Cardiology Clinic downtown to find that I was an hour early. Sheesh. CHEMO BRAIN. (I’m for sure going write about that next.) PLUS, during the test I couldn’t take a selfie – I was holding on for dear life. Stressful.

First the technician had me sign something. I didn’t read it of course. It was likely about having a heart attack – but I figure that’s her job, so it’s as good a place as any to have my next one (inside voice). She gave me a cute little pink top that I thought about stealing to go with my hospital pants. I had to leave it open at the top so that she could attach the 11 electrodes.

*Yes, my chest is not perfectly flat. I have boob buttons. Booblets. Boob babies. But that’s another ~~rant~~ post, just sayin’.*

THEN I SAW THE SANDPAPER, and without any “I’m really sorry that I have to do this”, she just started scratching away at my lily white skin. OMFG LET ME TELL YOU! The last time I was sanded was just before my angiogram and I thought I was going to punch the nurse in the face. At the time my skin was almost transparent from the chemo so it was horrifyingly painful. This wasn’t as bad since my skin is healthier, but ELEVEN TIMES, PEOPLE! How good of a connection do you really need? Why not just hack away at it? Grab a carrot peeler? For reals.

Then she put on a blood pressure cuff. Took a reading and we got started. I had to walk on the treadmill with 11 cables, a chest pack and a BP cuff till my heart rate got over 140 beats/min. I figured that would take no time at all, I’m so out of shape. But alas, apparently the beta blockers that make me so tired also slow my heart (for obvious reasons), so it took longer than I would have liked. She told me that every 3 minutes the machine would speed up and the incline would go up and she would take my BP. I was doing well till it felt like I was power walking up the hill to my cabin (which is freaking steep). I was starting to worry about the next 3 minute interval and I was only at 130 beats / min … and then JESUS GOD I HAD TO RUN! Now, this is not something I do. I find running to be TOTALLY UNNECESSARY. After a while as I was holding on for dear life and likely looking totally panicked she said “getting tired?” and I gave her a WTF ARE YOU JOKING kind of face. She turned off the machine. By now the sanded chest was SCREAMING from sweat and I was ready to lay on the floor. But I decided to not do that.

I did it. All done. I wait for the call for my first Cardiac Rehab session and hope that I don’t have to do that test again. If I do, I’m taking the pink top.

Irritated

Posted on February 25, 2018 by pioneerintrees

I am a gal who is easily irritated. Years ago when I was a scrapbooker, I created a page called “100 things that bug me”. I’ve attached the page at the bottom so that you can see for yourself. This is REAL. I live my life in a relatively high state of irritation. I think that this is what my friend Sonal would attribute to being “gold”. Whatever the reason, I am constantly having to self talk so that I don’t say something off base / rude when I’m irritated. For example, at the cottage around 8 years ago people were arriving for a long weekend and I said boldly “oh you can put that case of water back in your car – we don’t use disposable water bottles here.” RUDE! But I knew that otherwise it would piss me off all weekend … my punishment is that I still think about it today.

During this cancer journey I have to deal with a LOT of irritants that affect both my body and my quality of life. My solution is to focus on eliminating the irritant rather than trying to ignore it. It’s a basic research cycle that goes like this: identify it, find info on it, try a remedy, write it down, gauge progress, make changes, observe again. It’s entertaining! And it’s currently my day job.

Top 5 irritants (you knew it was coming):

1. Horrific Nose – top irritant by FAR

As I mentioned before, mucositis is a common side effect. The chemo essentially destroys the mucous membranes from nose / mouth to anus. The whole she-bang.

My main focus is coping with the scabbing / bleeding cycle that takes place in my nasal passages CONSTANTLY. There is nothing to stop it from happening, but I found a few things that help manage it:

vaporizer in my room – feels like a rainforest in here sometimes
walnut oil – this was a total experiment – I saw it at Sullivan’s and thought I’d give it a try – you just squirt it up there … so soothing!
Secarus – put it on a Q-tip and rub it inside the nose for some relief (downfall is that you can’t get up there very far) – no more Vaseline … it’s no where near as effective

*Me in my doo-rag. Comfy but questionable.*

Ok, let me reinforce that this side effect is REALLY irritating. This will help you to understand: I try to only blow my nose when the sniffling is bugging even me or when it is completely full of scabs and I can’t breathe anymore. Other times it gets to the point of being so itchy that I repeatedly sneeze which inevitably loosens the scabs. Once they are out it bleeds a bit – I stick my remedies up there and then it begins to scab up again. (Of course my kids hate it when I want to show them the scabs. They are HUGE. Yeech. Gross. Gak.)

2. Poop Trouble

I have never been a good pooper. I listen to other humans (mostly men) offhandedly brag (?) about their morning constitutional and I think REALLY??? In my regular life, pooping has always been directly proportional to how much of the good stuff I ingest (water, veggies and fibre) versus the stuff I like (gluten, dairy, caffeine and junk food). It’s a balance that I had perfected.

Then came the chemo and pre-meds. Constipation is high up the list of side effects for both. My struggles have made me very empathetic of all of my friends who struggle with Crohn’s or irritable bowel syndrome!!

So ya, I am hyper focused on pooping – I take an inordinate amount of pills (see below), and have changed my diet a LOT. Much more greens, dramatically reduced gluten intake (sad sad sad) and more drinking than seems reasonable. Honestly, for a person in education who has spent 28 years never drinking in the daytime since there is no time to pee, this is horrific, the water intake. I mean, seriously. It is BORING!! I have to force myself to drink more. I make a lot of deals with myself. It’s rather sad. But the poops make it worth it in the end. No pun intended.

poop inducers — *These do the trick, but you’re not supposed to become dependent on them. So I only use them prior to chemo and on the night of chemo and whenever I’m in dire straights.*

3. Gut Pain

I was first introduced to the idea of severe gut pain precluding puking when I was a new teacher. It was illustrated by Kathleen, one of my Grade 1 students at the Point. I’ll never forget it. We were sitting in a circle at the carpet – someone was sharing. She suddenly jumped up, ran across the circle clutching her stomach. “It hurts!” she said. I pulled her onto my lap (MISTAKE MISTAKE MISTAKE). Less than a minute later she was puking red hot grossness into my cupped hands (save the carpet!) while I tried to pick her up and get us to the bathroom.

Gut pain is real. For the majority of people it comes right before puking. But I’m not a puker (unless related alcohol poisoning or food poisoning). I think I’ve puked less than 10 times in my entire life. With the chemo I have gut pain – it can be ‘kicked in the stomach’ gut pain or ‘low level constant aching’ pain. Either way, I have it for approximately 3 days in my 7 day chemo cycle. Irritating.

Three of the pre-meds I take work against nausea (Ondanestron, Dexamethasone, Raninadine – more about them in an earlier post). So I’m numb for a day and a half and then the gut pain comes. I have more of these drugs that I can take if I wish but they are very bad for constipation. For this reason I’m wary of taking ANY more drugs than I have too – their side effects are often not worth it.

Of course a drug that manages nausea well for chemo patients with relatively few side effects is medical marijuana. I talked to both my oncologist and GP about it. You’ll never guess – they were reluctant to give me script (“I can give you other drugs for that.”)! Such a surprise. My GP didn’t flat out say no – but prescribed Nabilone which is a synthetic cannabinoid that mimics THC. Work exactly the same but is man-made and provided in doses. I think that this gives the medical community the feeling of having more control over its usage. Still – seems strange not to be able to use a very helpful and naturally derived drug. I mean… I have SO MANY DRUGS from this journey that are far more problematic in terms of addictions and harm to the body (e.g., Oxycodone, Percoset and Tylenol 3’s from my bi-lateral mastectomy). Clearly there is a need for research on the use of medical marijuana so that we can get on with treating people with the least invasive drugs. Ridiculous!

The negatives with this particular solution is that Nabilone takes a while to kick in, I can’t drive and the dry mouth is irritating (I drink enough water already, for Christ’s sake!). But the gut pain leaves completely – as well as any heartburn. Bonus!

4. Kibosh on Reward Eating

I’m a person who is highly motivated by the prospect of food. I know it’s wrong. Food should be fuel. You should only eat what you need. You should only eat when hungry. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Prior to chemo the following 3 reward schemes defined the boundaries of my poor eating habits:

the chips / junk food reward
- used to be when the kids were finally in bed, now it’s any time after dinner (On a daily basis, yes! Big problem, I know…)
- when I drive long distances (very motivating, keeps me awake – chewy candy is the BEST – makes the trip enjoyable!)
- when writing or reading report cards (the pain of it doesn’t stop when you’re in Admin…)
the Starbucks / crap drinks reward – “you deserve this because you are an entitled white person who can afford this ridiculously expensive high calorie drink with a stupid ass name” – so wrong, but somehow helps you get through meetings at the Big House much more easily
the alcohol reward – for just about any issue or getting through a tricky day at work or a long week, or a crisis, or a tragic Netflix show – oh how I miss a glass of wine at night!!! sad sad sad

Why can’t I eat this stuff? I can’t eat lots of sugar because it is too harsh on my taste buds – feels like I’ve burnt my tongue on a hot tea. Same with salty snacks. Chips will rip holes in my face. Alcohol is dehydrating and burns all the way down. Starbucks treats are high in caffeine which is dehydrating. (Remember, dehydration will slow down the poops even more…)

So no more reward eating. Life is not very much fun without all of my typical vices. Truth. On the flip side, ice cream, home made juice popsicles and frozen yoghurt are options that also make my throat feel so much better. So I’m enjoying them A LOT.

5. Tiredness

This is just starting to happen now. The treatments are piling up, so my legs feel a bit more leaden and my overall energy is lower. Naps are happening. It’s weird. It’s hard to get anything done. Dinner is a drawn out affair with NO multitasking (omg) and I’m often bitchy by the end. I am best to prep dinner in the morning or the kids will suffer (In this way, I think that this side effect is actually most irritating for my kids!) After dinner I lock myself away in my rainforest and sit on my ass. Yoga in the evening is beyond me now. Being tired is very boring.

Coping

So ya. This chemo thing is irritating … but I’m surviving it by being proactive and with self talk. Get over yourself! You’re not dying. Shut up already! (I reserve these for when I’m having a lot of pain / discomfort.) Keep going! You can do it! (when climbing flights of stairs at the hospital) I also do visualizations of the spring and summer when the chemo will be behind me.

This too shall pass and I’ll once again perseverate over the small stuff. And eat chips. Crunchy crunchy chips with salt and vinegar.

Scrapbook page — *Ya, … the small stuff.*

Too Much Stuff and The Lure of Minimalism

Posted on August 25, 2017 by pioneerintrees

As September approaches my pulse quickens and the list-making ramps up about 50 notches. So much coming at me at lightening speed, so much stuff to get organized!! Kids: get stuff for school; work: get stuff organized at work and pick up the stuff you said you would but forgot until this week; extra-curriculars: register for hockey and choir and make sure you have all the right sized stuff (Jesus god, you need new skates again?? Wtf.); farm: consider how much wood we will need to get split (ok, that’s a separate post…).

OMG we need so much stuff and we already have too much stuff! And what does it do? It causes me stress!!

Coincidentally (or maybe it’s a cosmic intervention), I listened to a podcast this morning by The Minimalists. Basically The Minimalists are two 30 something American men who are making a living preaching about how to live a simpler life with less stuff. They have a lot to say, they have a lot of adulating fans. It’s a bit rich at times, but … I can learn from them. I DO have too much stuff. I hold on to old papers, memorabilia, art supplies, a few of the kids’ baby clothes (ya, I am going to make them a quilt, ok?), wool that is so scratchy or ugly that I’ll never make anything from it, scrapbooking tools (I was good at it …stop judging), CDs (sooooo many), electronics cables (in case I ever need a yellow / white / blue combo thingy), hot tub chemicals that I will NEVER use (jet cleaner? Whaaa??), gardening tools (ya, that’s funny I know), candle nubs … you get the picture. I have WAY WAY too much stuff in my house, my garage, my office … likely in the cabin too, which is pretty damned small. I have stuff that I don’t use or apparently need, … everywhere.

So I have decided to get a grip on things by taking the 30 day Minimalist challenge. On the first day of September I have until midnight to throw away, donate or sell ONE item. On the second day, 2 items. On the third day, 3. You get the picture. If you do the math (and there is an algorithm for that…), that’s a shit ton of stuff that will be out of my life by the end of September. I know it will just be the tip of the iceberg, but it’s a way to start thinking about it and perhaps even making better choices (like stop buying so much stuff, ummmm ya think?).

Logistically I don’t know if I can ACTUALLY sell a few items on the day that I plan to sell them … but I can post them for sale. And logistically I’m not driving to Vinnie’s every day I when I decide what to donate – but I can box them and label them and put them in the garage.

Wanna join me?? Comment if you’re in!!

To demonstrate my commitment to the crusade for “less is more”, I tossed an old, ripped, and completely ineffective pair of oven mitts into the flames today. BE GONE, I SAY!! You will never cause me to burn my hands again!

Burning Oven Mitts — They burn so beautifully! (Only thing they ever did well…)

Crap Day for the Neighbours … and a Cake

Posted on November 21, 2016 by pioneerintrees

Today Paul called to tell me that our neighbour’s place was on fire – he was jumping in his truck to go over. I grabbed my hat and coat and boots and booked it out the door.

First barn ignited.

When I was 18 I witnessed a cottage burning down, and not long after there was a huge fire at the Camp I worked at. The 2 events traumatized me at the time and instilled in me a healthy fear of fire. The fire today brought it all back. The sight, sound, heat, smell. The panic, the emotion.

After I woke up my next door neighbours, I ran across the road to see what I could do to help. Not much of course. I bawled a bit. I talked to each member of the family, let them know that they should come over for shelter, food, tea. Brought two of them to my place and found them clothes – one had a towel wrapped around his waist and another was in undies and a T-shirt. Eventually Em and her 4 month old settled in for the day. Paul made a big stew and I got busy baking up a cake and a pan of brownies. People came and went through the day. It was an action packed day.

Paul’s beef stew (with some of my red wine).

Basic Brownies with pecans

And of course today being Sunday … “traditional family dinner”… I was in charge of dessert. The plan was to make a lemon chiffon cake for my sister’s upcoming birthday. Here were the various stages.

Lemon Curd

3 layers

Whipped cream and lemon curd make up the frosting.

It’s a rich, moist, light cake. Has a total of 14 eggs in it, and quite a bit of fresh lemon juice and butter. Whipped cream in the frosting and of course white chocolate grated on top. It’s a beauty!! Happy birthday Lou!

Here’s to a better day for my neighbours tomorrow.

photo credit for featured image: Harrison Perkins @HaPerkins

Trying to Chill

Posted on October 5, 2016 by pioneerintrees

Last week my body freaked out on me. Even though the week felt to me like most other weeks, my body didn’t think so. It must have felt as though it was under attack because it produced a shitload of histamines and covered me with hives. Generally I think my body is pretty smart and does a great job looking after me, so obviously it was trying to tell me to chill the fuck out!!! The hives started out small then joined together into plaques (according to google, my dear friend). Soon enough hives were in my ears and through my hair, all over my torso and legs, and when I thought it was done, I woke up with swollen and beet red hands. They were ON FIRE.

Yes there was a lot going on – my Superintendent came to talk to me about my goals for the year (it’s an evaluation year), I had a busy schedule in the evenings with doctors appointments for the girls and shuttling to extra curriculars, there were lots of calls to various agencies about Bree, a situation with a student who ran away from a school trip and police had to be involved … and a 1/2 day Professional Development day to plan. It was a lot. Oh and a pot luck. Oh and a whole school trip to help coordinate. Not too much.

The fact that our entire school population can fit on two (crowded) buses … sweet.

But then I worked with staff on the PA day in an ice cold room. As I worked with them, my stress melted away. I think I gained so much peace and goodwill from them on Friday that my hives went away. I love my staff. We talked about First Nations peoples and the importance of recognizing the First Nations land that our school is on, our beliefs about our awesome little school, we marvelled over our students’ math thinking. It was all pretty great.

By the weekend I was hive free and thinking about how to prevent that from happening again. I think I need to get outside and breath in the air. I should be able to fit that in.

soon these trees will all be red and orange …

And so I had a fairly peaceful weekend – after getting Bree some new shoes and running the girls to various events, I managed to have a tea date with my good friend Alison, have dinner with Paul, do some baking and join a “traditional family dinner” at my mom’s. Paul got a ton of wood brought in (I helped a tiny bit…). Quite stress free!!

Favourite breakfast – date & ginger scone from the market and a chai tea latte.

“There’s something slimy in my glove!” Paul had dropped his glove for a moment and a wee frog took advantage.

Now I’m well into another work week and despite the fact that today I was short 2/3 of my teaching staff, the Grade 7/8 kids had immunization shots, it was a Blue Jays theme day and the Director of our Board visited the school … no hives. So far so good!